Just around a corner called 'Life'

Being an empty nester has its low points, like missing the hustle and bustle of younger children, the smell of fresh notebooks during the monsoons as school starts,  the crazy study schedules and soccer, tennis, swimming, theatre training sessions, a full house. I do miss them much.

While you're living it you want away, and then one day when the craziness ends you think - Darn! I want it back. Best advise - keep moving. (Ummmm, easier said than done as chaotic habits, they're hard to break).

Let's look at the glass, half full. You can now pursue your incomplete personal dreams, without feeling the pangs of guilt for spending time away. So this year sees me back chasing my incomplete academic dreams, and has me on a second run at a post graduation, and this time in business administration. I have decided to re-skill myself and re-connect with the new. Disrupt all, unlearn to re-learn and I'm loving every bit of it.

And from re-learning alphabets, arithmetic tables and nursery rhymes, the agenda moves to managerial economics, marketing, costing and principles, and boy, is it fun and like a warm sunshine on a cold day.

This part of my journey sees me totally booked, busy working a full time job on weekdays and on weekends I chase my academic dream, keep my CSR dreams ignited. I also teach 15 children at a shelter for street kids. Keeping busy is the only way to restore the organised chaos that one lives in, for 24 years, and keeps your sanity intact.

Losing my mother has been an eye-opener on how fragile life is. It can end at any moment, poof and its over! So darlings - give, take, participate - Live life as if every day is your last. You don't need to save too much but you definitely need to bring happiness into your life and that of everyone you touch.

Hmmmmmm, easier said than done. Even at a higher stage of evolution and spiritual connection, it is tough. By the time 'Karma' works, you reach a point of no care.  And wonder - Hey, WHY don't I care? Most likely you've moved on and it matters no more. You no longer are at that crossroad.

I can hold a good grudge - sadly. I try to change that but ummmm not happening. I feel like a good ole Brit and to be honest, I have been early taught by them.

Anyhoo, such is living - complicated and incomprehensible. The whole study of the 'Gita' (Hindu book of karma teaching) is all about control of the mind, anger and relaxing it with good thoughts and adding onto the scale of 'good karma'. And peace comes to those who feel neutrality during all human experiences of love, hate, passion, anger, sadness et al. A tough one that.

Me, I just want to be a JEDI - controlled and using a light saber - I am certain that will solve most of my issues with life... Saber bad people out, if only.
Waiting for the next JEDI film or Harry Potter book- George Lucas, Rowling - hope you listening!

Now let's get behind a good film or book and laugh or cry our guts out - That's option no. 2.






 

Revival

Every day since the passing of my Mom, I wake up with a sinking feeling and it hits me she is no more. I feel I'm in a bad dream and all will be fine when I rouse. Unfortunately, it’s the other way around.

A lot of folks tell me I need to move on in my life and get stronger but define strong to me?
Is it - Not breaking down at the thought that you will never be able to share your thoughts with the person who always had time for you? Or accepting bravely, that the person who made you feel fine when everything around you was in turmoil, is there no more to guide you? Or is it realising that, your daughter’s wedding will now have to be planned without her insightful suggestions. The list is endless...

One of my siblings’ believes our Mom is watching us and that she is communicating with her through her meditative encounters – I so wish I could experience the same, but the finality of her death just does not allow me to disappear into the warmth of such a thought.

I am, of course slowly picking up the pieces of my life and there are good days and bad days, with the former exceeding the latter now.  I am happy - yes very, the love and support I enjoy, is an envious state of existence. Indeed, the people who love me have thoroughly spoilt me and, I decide to now surround myself with only those who feel nothing but that for me...

Life's too short - seriously and you do NOT need negative people in. Screw them! They don’t deserve you anyways.

2014 has made me stronger and I know my friends, relentless in their concern, not giving up on me, supporting me, rooting for me and making me happy. I have always been there for anyone who reached out to me - helping find their ungrateful children jobs, providing guidance and welcoming them in my home.  Hmmmm… perhaps it is the right time for me to truly evolve – I wish them well and move on to a smarter me :)

A lot of my friends vocalised their love and concern, engaging me while I was down, there were silent ones too (not all love and care need be vocal; in fact, I value it silent too). 

As I move on to being a better balanced person, I just want to say “I love you all” and you know who you are and I know you better today.

Thank you.

Grace Under Fire

I am so inspired; my love for the American culture just grows with every award ceremony, every film, with every mind blowing original script, every television series I see, with every book I read, with the passion of reporting Anderson Cooper brings to the table… I can go on and on and on. To understand and experience the true American dream one just needs to look at how many Indians travel to the USA never to return and the numbers are perhaps as infinite as the stars in the universe.

I see my friends and relatives who go there suddenly turn their fortunes and the essence of their new persona is visible in just about everything they touch.

Hey wait a second – I don’t mean to drool so much, as America has their share of negatives. The most glaring ones are their paranoia and the arrogance of a super power (invading other countries where they have vested interests). Man! are they paranoid and are they arrogant (especially when they had a monkey yeah George Bush, as their Chief of State in the saddle). But they may be forgiven for only one of these indiscretions,  after all they are some of the most generous people, more so at a personal level and their support for freedom of speech and equality et al is incomparably better than most nations. However, the invasions, they definitely need to re-visit and alter their position on.

Currently inspired; and with this dream to be more patriotic and be a catalyst of change I am actually trying to be a better Indian, and have set out to make a significant difference by starting a small social enterprise to try and positively change the lives of the lesser privileged in India. Learn and contribute, be more giving, more thoughtful and share a little more, every day.

It takes a lot of patience to steer a thought – a movement – from being so used to complacency where we always blame the government for inadequacies, to actually getting off our butts and putting our personal “money where our mouth is” (I love clichés and I love using them – they express your thoughts accurately and without trying too hard to make a point),  and not the money of the company we represent.

I also love my new job as a student but not the dilemma of poverty a students life brings, I love to feel young again – it is exhilarating and un-inhibiting. I enjoy being an entrepreneur as some days I work for sixteen hours straight and some days I work for four, but overall I work the regular average.

The toughest part is to buckle down, snap out of my sorrowful depressed state of inaction to actually making the social difference, I set out to achieve. A dream in my heart, a spirited pace in my step and an opportunity to make a contribution to help the lesser privileged with an incomparable attitude of grace and a whole lot of luck from the universe, on a path fired up by an ambition to succeed, I have set off on this journey of change.

I still miss my mom but I am slowly learning to gain control over the grief and anguish and I have my wonderful and talented family to thank for this.

My mother

I am a moving mass of grieving wreck; everywhere, at every moment, I remember my mother’s loss and I break down right where I am; in the middle of the road, in the car, while speaking of her with a neighbour, a shopkeeper just about anyone. This display of grief intrigues a few interested passers-by, invites furtive yet unconcerned glances from a few others and all my efforts to be brave fail. The fragility of human life and the idea of losing someone so alive just a few weeks ago are too hard to overcome. It’s been two months and I’m still unsuccessful.

My mother was my inspiration, my pillar of strength, my good luck charm, my life and I wish I had told her all this more often and brought more smiles to her sweet face. A single mother armed with only a Hindi medium matriculation certificate from the ‘University of Punjab’, she faced many hardships and overcame each one of them with a brave smile and even braver heart.

At a tender age of twenty-one she lost both her parents, was married at twenty-three and travelled to London where she lived for a decade. The initial years saw her happy and her work made her independent. Her gorgeous Indian looks invited not only the attention but also marriage proposals from many local Englishmen and these anecdotes were a source of fun and laughter at many festive dinner parties. My elder sister and I were early arrivals and we had a lovely life in London till my eldest uncle remarried, and brought a despicable, nasty ‘Cruella’ to live in our family home, her manipulative politics drove my elegant mother to insist on a move, to either a separate home in London or a move back to India.

We arrived in Bombay; traumatic as it was, my sister and I were forced to adjust to the Indian culture. The biggest drawback of the relocation was - the Indian school ethos; from an independent, respectful student existence in London, I witnessed a convent of narrow-minded thought with zero respect for children. The concept of ‘shut-up and listen’ was alien in English schools, as was being ridiculed for expressing a point of view and to top that learning Marathi and Hindi at an advanced level that was the ‘icing’ of our problems… Adapting to the petty Indian convent teachers was singularly the toughest part of my return to India.

As we finally adjusted, there was a new turmoil in our lives, my father abandoned us and left my mother, she was only forty-three at that time. To say this shattered her would be expressing it mildly, her worry for her three young girls aged (eighteen, seventeen and eight) broke her secure existence and for the first time I saw my brave mother collapse. Seeing her anguish and despair, I made a promise to her then that she will never have to worry about anything once I started working and lived up to it. If there is one thing in life that I am proud of, is never letting her down on this count. 

These years of abandonment also brought with it a lot of financial stress, but we had each other and after our initial shock, I saw my mother pick up the pieces and show immense strength of character, loyalty, compassion, determination and love. She filled our lives with fun, adventure and joy, we did not have money but we had each other. She showed us how to be resilient, independent and self-reliant. From her savings, she spared no cost to give us three the best education she could manage after which her economic priorities graduated to saving for our marriages. Ask any parent or self-financing adult and they will confirm that managing one marriage takes the mickey out of you, my mother managed three. She did this with no financial help from any relative, the ones who helped took their pound of flesh (with interest), I realised then, that there are no free rides in this world. The life lesson I learnt was to be kind to those less fortunate and help as much as you can with no strings attached. I believe that people who care for you never need to be asked for anything (financial or emotional); they know it and reach out to you on their own somehow. My mother devoted her entire life to us and her only thought was for our well-being at the cost of her own, and she did all this on her own steam.

The web of support in my personal life has been incomparably amazing (the husband, the children, the sisters, a few cousins, my special friends Ayesha, Mariam and Seemin); all have been so wonderful these past two months. The messages, the letters, the innumerable phone calls, the patience with which they have encouraged me to heal in my own time, their unspoken understanding, care will stay with me forever. I will treasure these relationships always.

This loss of my mother has singularly, been the lowest point in my life, the darkest till date and the toughest to overcome. I know she was happy these past couple of decades and she always maintained that all her dreams had come true and all her wishes fulfilled. Yet she was too young to pass on. It is taking me long to get over the idea of my mother not being around anymore. It’s unimaginably empty without her warm, kind, thoughtful and unrelentingly supportive presence. I cannot envision birthday parties, festivals, celebrations without her. I miss the stories of her fun travels across the globe with all of us, (her daughters and their families)…… I simply cannot stop missing her.

I am also so grateful to this universe, for giving me a mother like her - a kiss to heaven for you my darling mom.

 

How do you say good bye to the person you love !?

Recently I lost my mom, to say that I am devastated and inconsolable is an understatement. Nothing and I mean nothing prepares you for the loss of a loved one, especially a parent who has been your friend, your confidante and your everything for more than 45 years.

All I can think of is whether I gave her all the happiness in the world and whether I told her enough that I loved her and whether I spent enough time with her in these last few years -- if only I had known that she would be snatched away from me so early. If only I had got another decade with her !

The thoughts are never - ending, traumatic and this self-inflicted pain is torturous and pointless... but somehow the melancholia just never sees the horizon of happiness.

Friends and family say time is the best healer. Perhaps with time, I will learn to accept my loss but will the pain ever heal - I doubt it... I will always want her next to me smiling, scolding, frowning and guiding me with her love, strength and determination. I keep thinking of how she was alive and happy just twenty days ago and now I will never hear that sweet voice nor have her frantic missed calls to check if I am okay. She has left behind a void in my heart which will not heal ever...

I miss you Mom oh so very much and really do wish I had a time-machine to go back and do a lot more for you, to tell you every hour that I love you and life without you would never be the same.

As I bid you farewell and share you with the heavens, I pray that you are freed from the cycle of life and death and now abode there, peaceful and happy watching over me, one of your last earthly children who loves you very much and regrets not telling you more often... I love you Mom more than you can ever imagine.

Do lean in

I am inspired less and less of late, to blog – frankly the idea of being politically correct down right bores me.

Out of sheer boredom today, I happened to pick up Sheryl Sandberg’s book ‘Lean In’ and simply could not keep it down. An absolute page-turner had me identifying with her every written word. The times I’ve questioned my right to command more for myself at work was a recognizable evil. My home life has been at an absolute equal keel - I am truly married to the most amazing man that exists on this planet (the wife most definitely knows).

In short the book empowers women to recognize their authority to question, to push, to lean in when the going gets tough. Demand’s that the men in their lives help build an environment where women are not stereo-typed into being pushy, bossy nor aggressive if they are ambitious and bold enough to ask for a good work & home life balance.

I also recognized that I find myself so alone at times as a woman in a leadership role.  It is unfortunately true that you have to prove and justify your decisions much more than a man with equal capability, ambition and drive. It is also sadly true that women tend to believe they deserve less powers and a lower salary than men at par with them and the people around you don’t always help (gender no bar). I have just read chapter one and I am so inspired that I have decided to dedicate this blog post to someone who had the ‘guts’ to lean in and reach such heights of success and also publish a book about it. It truly requires courage to open yourself to interpretation and could create a position of vulnerability for the writer, at the same time also help encourage and empower less fortunate women who have as high ambitions as Sheryl has managed to achieve.

I have in my earlier blogs talked about inspirations and the women who gave me hope when I had doubts of being good at anything; reading about their lives made me relate to mine and helped me get strength from their stories.

My journey so far has been a fortunate one (fortune favours the hard working in my book) and has reached its mid-point. I do have a good decade and half to go yet and as Claire Underwood of ‘House of Cards’ would say ‘we have so much to accomplish yet, to be significant’

I do, however, say one thing to all you young aspirational women at the threshold of your journey - choose something you enjoy doing and people you enjoy working with and make a go of it. Focus only on the accomplishment of doing a good job and everything else that is worthwhile materially will follow. Chase not the end but become the means of that accomplishment.

It’s the actual discovery of what would make you happy day after day, that's the challenge and if you do find that joy - don’t leave it for any thing in the world.

Spirituality

It’s been a while since I posted a blog, and definitely the reason is not being short of idea’s, those are a plenty. The delay has been due to the paucity of time to express them clearly.

Also off late the festivities have kept me quite engaged at home and if I were to really define how my time was spent, I would fail miserably to sound even faintly believable. 

As the festivals line up from September and with one supreme battle of victory over evil to happen in November, what’s really been on my mind is the question of religion v/s spirituality and how does someone differentiate between them. Reading Sarah Mac Donald’s book ‘Holy Cow’ did not help but re-enforce these questions with aggressive vigour.

In my mind, spirituality, embraces the right for anyone to freely follow & express their beliefs. It does not attempt to restrict nor dictate one’s choice of worship nor demean another fellow’s fundamental right to choose his/her own path. Celebrates the simple, the good & allows co-existence with respect, patience and tolerance.

Religion, on the other hand simply makes you believe that what you practice is the only best way to exist.

I remember while growing up I encountered many young people who would refuse to accept ‘prasad’ (holy sweets offered by Hindu/Sikh temples to all devotee’s) simply because their religion does not permit them to eat from another’s temple. Being younger & far more innocent, I could not understand this old fashioned reasoning. The thought that someone could believe another temple’s offering as unholy & a betrayal to their religion was unthinkable in my child-like mind. After three decades I continue to question this point of view & find it quite bizarre.

Most of my family is either agnostic or non-believers or spiritual and together we celebrate all festivals. From diwali, gur purab, durga puja, dassera, easter, christmas, eid, pateti, holi to lodhi & more - we have a fun time participating with fervour, & most importantly welcome the delicious delicacies that adorn the table – tops. Invitations from our friends to celebrate along with them, are even more welcome.

I can and will not understand differently and enjoy partaking in all… I do continue to hope for a better and more spiritual world but then, the cynic in me recognizes that it’s perhaps unlikely to happen in this lifetime - then maybe ... sooner enough.

Let’s together hope… Tathaastu!