Just around a corner called 'Life'

Being an empty nester has its low points, like missing the hustle and bustle of younger children, the smell of fresh notebooks during the monsoons as school starts,  the crazy study schedules and soccer, tennis, swimming, theatre training sessions, a full house. I do miss them much.

While you're living it you want away, and then one day when the craziness ends you think - Darn! I want it back. Best advise - keep moving. (Ummmm, easier said than done as chaotic habits, they're hard to break).

Let's look at the glass, half full. You can now pursue your incomplete personal dreams, without feeling the pangs of guilt for spending time away. So this year sees me back chasing my incomplete academic dreams, and has me on a second run at a post graduation, and this time in business administration. I have decided to re-skill myself and re-connect with the new. Disrupt all, unlearn to re-learn and I'm loving every bit of it.

And from re-learning alphabets, arithmetic tables and nursery rhymes, the agenda moves to managerial economics, marketing, costing and principles, and boy, is it fun and like a warm sunshine on a cold day.

This part of my journey sees me totally booked, busy working a full time job on weekdays and on weekends I chase my academic dream, keep my CSR dreams ignited. I also teach 15 children at a shelter for street kids. Keeping busy is the only way to restore the organised chaos that one lives in, for 24 years, and keeps your sanity intact.

Losing my mother has been an eye-opener on how fragile life is. It can end at any moment, poof and its over! So darlings - give, take, participate - Live life as if every day is your last. You don't need to save too much but you definitely need to bring happiness into your life and that of everyone you touch.

Hmmmmmm, easier said than done. Even at a higher stage of evolution and spiritual connection, it is tough. By the time 'Karma' works, you reach a point of no care.  And wonder - Hey, WHY don't I care? Most likely you've moved on and it matters no more. You no longer are at that crossroad.

I can hold a good grudge - sadly. I try to change that but ummmm not happening. I feel like a good ole Brit and to be honest, I have been early taught by them.

Anyhoo, such is living - complicated and incomprehensible. The whole study of the 'Gita' (Hindu book of karma teaching) is all about control of the mind, anger and relaxing it with good thoughts and adding onto the scale of 'good karma'. And peace comes to those who feel neutrality during all human experiences of love, hate, passion, anger, sadness et al. A tough one that.

Me, I just want to be a JEDI - controlled and using a light saber - I am certain that will solve most of my issues with life... Saber bad people out, if only.
Waiting for the next JEDI film or Harry Potter book- George Lucas, Rowling - hope you listening!

Now let's get behind a good film or book and laugh or cry our guts out - That's option no. 2.






 

Revival

Every day since the passing of my Mom, I wake up with a sinking feeling and it hits me she is no more. I feel I'm in a bad dream and all will be fine when I rouse. Unfortunately, it’s the other way around.

A lot of folks tell me I need to move on in my life and get stronger but define strong to me?
Is it - Not breaking down at the thought that you will never be able to share your thoughts with the person who always had time for you? Or accepting bravely, that the person who made you feel fine when everything around you was in turmoil, is there no more to guide you? Or is it realising that, your daughter’s wedding will now have to be planned without her insightful suggestions. The list is endless...

One of my siblings’ believes our Mom is watching us and that she is communicating with her through her meditative encounters – I so wish I could experience the same, but the finality of her death just does not allow me to disappear into the warmth of such a thought.

I am, of course slowly picking up the pieces of my life and there are good days and bad days, with the former exceeding the latter now.  I am happy - yes very, the love and support I enjoy, is an envious state of existence. Indeed, the people who love me have thoroughly spoilt me and, I decide to now surround myself with only those who feel nothing but that for me...

Life's too short - seriously and you do NOT need negative people in. Screw them! They don’t deserve you anyways.

2014 has made me stronger and I know my friends, relentless in their concern, not giving up on me, supporting me, rooting for me and making me happy. I have always been there for anyone who reached out to me - helping find their ungrateful children jobs, providing guidance and welcoming them in my home.  Hmmmm… perhaps it is the right time for me to truly evolve – I wish them well and move on to a smarter me :)

A lot of my friends vocalised their love and concern, engaging me while I was down, there were silent ones too (not all love and care need be vocal; in fact, I value it silent too). 

As I move on to being a better balanced person, I just want to say “I love you all” and you know who you are and I know you better today.

Thank you.

My mother

I am a moving mass of grieving wreck; everywhere, at every moment, I remember my mother’s loss and I break down right where I am; in the middle of the road, in the car, while speaking of her with a neighbour, a shopkeeper just about anyone. This display of grief intrigues a few interested passers-by, invites furtive yet unconcerned glances from a few others and all my efforts to be brave fail. The fragility of human life and the idea of losing someone so alive just a few weeks ago are too hard to overcome. It’s been two months and I’m still unsuccessful.

My mother was my inspiration, my pillar of strength, my good luck charm, my life and I wish I had told her all this more often and brought more smiles to her sweet face. A single mother armed with only a Hindi medium matriculation certificate from the ‘University of Punjab’, she faced many hardships and overcame each one of them with a brave smile and even braver heart.

At a tender age of twenty-one she lost both her parents, was married at twenty-three and travelled to London where she lived for a decade. The initial years saw her happy and her work made her independent. Her gorgeous Indian looks invited not only the attention but also marriage proposals from many local Englishmen and these anecdotes were a source of fun and laughter at many festive dinner parties. My elder sister and I were early arrivals and we had a lovely life in London till my eldest uncle remarried, and brought a despicable, nasty ‘Cruella’ to live in our family home, her manipulative politics drove my elegant mother to insist on a move, to either a separate home in London or a move back to India.

We arrived in Bombay; traumatic as it was, my sister and I were forced to adjust to the Indian culture. The biggest drawback of the relocation was - the Indian school ethos; from an independent, respectful student existence in London, I witnessed a convent of narrow-minded thought with zero respect for children. The concept of ‘shut-up and listen’ was alien in English schools, as was being ridiculed for expressing a point of view and to top that learning Marathi and Hindi at an advanced level that was the ‘icing’ of our problems… Adapting to the petty Indian convent teachers was singularly the toughest part of my return to India.

As we finally adjusted, there was a new turmoil in our lives, my father abandoned us and left my mother, she was only forty-three at that time. To say this shattered her would be expressing it mildly, her worry for her three young girls aged (eighteen, seventeen and eight) broke her secure existence and for the first time I saw my brave mother collapse. Seeing her anguish and despair, I made a promise to her then that she will never have to worry about anything once I started working and lived up to it. If there is one thing in life that I am proud of, is never letting her down on this count. 

These years of abandonment also brought with it a lot of financial stress, but we had each other and after our initial shock, I saw my mother pick up the pieces and show immense strength of character, loyalty, compassion, determination and love. She filled our lives with fun, adventure and joy, we did not have money but we had each other. She showed us how to be resilient, independent and self-reliant. From her savings, she spared no cost to give us three the best education she could manage after which her economic priorities graduated to saving for our marriages. Ask any parent or self-financing adult and they will confirm that managing one marriage takes the mickey out of you, my mother managed three. She did this with no financial help from any relative, the ones who helped took their pound of flesh (with interest), I realised then, that there are no free rides in this world. The life lesson I learnt was to be kind to those less fortunate and help as much as you can with no strings attached. I believe that people who care for you never need to be asked for anything (financial or emotional); they know it and reach out to you on their own somehow. My mother devoted her entire life to us and her only thought was for our well-being at the cost of her own, and she did all this on her own steam.

The web of support in my personal life has been incomparably amazing (the husband, the children, the sisters, a few cousins, my special friends Ayesha, Mariam and Seemin); all have been so wonderful these past two months. The messages, the letters, the innumerable phone calls, the patience with which they have encouraged me to heal in my own time, their unspoken understanding, care will stay with me forever. I will treasure these relationships always.

This loss of my mother has singularly, been the lowest point in my life, the darkest till date and the toughest to overcome. I know she was happy these past couple of decades and she always maintained that all her dreams had come true and all her wishes fulfilled. Yet she was too young to pass on. It is taking me long to get over the idea of my mother not being around anymore. It’s unimaginably empty without her warm, kind, thoughtful and unrelentingly supportive presence. I cannot envision birthday parties, festivals, celebrations without her. I miss the stories of her fun travels across the globe with all of us, (her daughters and their families)…… I simply cannot stop missing her.

I am also so grateful to this universe, for giving me a mother like her - a kiss to heaven for you my darling mom.

 

How do you say good bye to the person you love !?

Recently I lost my mom, to say that I am devastated and inconsolable is an understatement. Nothing and I mean nothing prepares you for the loss of a loved one, especially a parent who has been your friend, your confidante and your everything for more than 45 years.

All I can think of is whether I gave her all the happiness in the world and whether I told her enough that I loved her and whether I spent enough time with her in these last few years -- if only I had known that she would be snatched away from me so early. If only I had got another decade with her !

The thoughts are never - ending, traumatic and this self-inflicted pain is torturous and pointless... but somehow the melancholia just never sees the horizon of happiness.

Friends and family say time is the best healer. Perhaps with time, I will learn to accept my loss but will the pain ever heal - I doubt it... I will always want her next to me smiling, scolding, frowning and guiding me with her love, strength and determination. I keep thinking of how she was alive and happy just twenty days ago and now I will never hear that sweet voice nor have her frantic missed calls to check if I am okay. She has left behind a void in my heart which will not heal ever...

I miss you Mom oh so very much and really do wish I had a time-machine to go back and do a lot more for you, to tell you every hour that I love you and life without you would never be the same.

As I bid you farewell and share you with the heavens, I pray that you are freed from the cycle of life and death and now abode there, peaceful and happy watching over me, one of your last earthly children who loves you very much and regrets not telling you more often... I love you Mom more than you can ever imagine.

An Ode to love

A week from today, we complete twenty three wonderful years of being in love (twenty two of these are legal). In today’s context I’ll admit it’s rare, unimaginable & usually scoffed at as boring.

Boring –ours - not a chance … it’s as alive and exciting as the first day we met. Perhaps over the years our expression of love has graduated, into being more dignified & less animal like (much for the benefit of our children & to their relief too). Now hopefully with an empty nest we can resume our basic instincts & stay youthful forever.

And if it’s any consolation to the younger couples wanting a lifetime together, my heart still skips a beat when we see each other or when the door opens or when we are to meet on a romantic date.

23 years ago…..we nearly did not meet.

My mother absentmindedly forgot to inform me of my job interview, (also two decades ago jobs were not for us girls, especially those from businessmen Punjabi families. But being a rebel helps and I rejoiced in doing the exact opposite of these expectations. Much to my poor mother’s desperation of how to explain me to her relatives, though the sweetest thing that she is, always secretly supported me) but fate did have a different plan.

The company called to check why I had not made it for the interview & asked if I could make it in the next hour. I was elated that they actually thought this young graduate was important enough to call & I wore my best pair of jeans & sneakers and went for an interview (I would not hire anybody dressed like that today).

I was lucky I got the job.

As I was leaving the interview & got into the elevator, I noticed this north-eastern looking boy who was completely unaware of the attentions of one other female colleague & her hug was met with equal oblivion. I smiled furiously to myself and reluctantly confess I was intrigued by this young boy. I simply had to know who he was.

Don’t get me wrong I was a snob & definitely not interested in this boy (the debate still rages on at home) but did want to befriend him. This was arranged by a bright orange t-shirt I wore (we still amusingly recount this story to our kids who are now tired of hearing it) with a gaping hole in the back showing off my awesome swim tan. One thing led to another & within a month we were an item (sneaking off during lunch breaks for rainy drives in Colaba, coffee every evening at the Oberoi coffee shop, weekend movies, intimate holding of hands…..) It was a whirlwind romance & within six months

I married my best friend.

Our early days together, saw us quite broke, but ever so happy - we had each other & that was all we needed. The kids came within a year & soon we were young parents, evolving gently into this role with joy.

As the kids grew our legendary holidays began. We travelled the length of India with the kids in tow, asleep on the back seat of our car. Our holidays are the most memorable part of this journey together & they were cheap & cheerful. We stopped anywhere & everywhere at India’s midway hotels without reservations and had so much fun indulging in these impromptu itineraries. We have literally driven everywhere from Bombay to Lansdowne to Dehradun, from Delhi to Himachal Pradesh, from Goa to Conoor having the time of our lives.

So what really does make it work?

Truly there’s no formula. No gyaan that I could share.

But can say one thing for sure that in this journey, both need to transit from one phase into another together. The one moving quicker will need to wait for the other to catch up.

And on a more happy note - isn’t that what loved one’s do - wait for each other.

But currently need we wait - not a chance. So let the celebrations begin.........

Charity begins at home

It’s true -- our kids learn from us, silently observing adult behaviour & emulating the same in their child-like role playing. Powers of observation during our growing years are at its peak & kids are like sponges ready to absorb all. 

If during these early childhood years, we teach our kids to be patient, law abiding, honest, charitable, ethical & fair only then will they be exactly that. Of course, this means that we need to be all of the above & can lead them only through example. And from this thought, comes the coinage "charity begins at home" and, as you have perhaps guessed by now, I'm a total sucker for clichés & sincerely believe they exist for a reason. 

We've been blessed with two kids & realised then, that children idolise their parents (be warned only in their early years) & they are the first ever role models. My partner & I believe that it’s the little things we teach our kids while growing up that makes them who they become; hopefully we have taught ours well. 

Currently, with my driver on leave, I am being subjected to the tortures of driving on the Bombay roads and suffer silently, as I hopelessly watch all the illustrious law-breaking co-drivers dashing, left to right to left, in hypnotic frenzy. Perhaps the hot Indian summer does not help & perhaps our inability to teach our kids the right thing - they all contribute.

For clarity, a few examples to explain what I mean:

1.      A few parents known to us allow their 16 year old son to drive & are quite proud of the fact that their son is so accomplished. (Legal age in India is 18 years)

2.     Another drives on the wrong side of the road with his 10 year old son seated in the back seat. Perhaps, teaching him it’s okay to take a convenient short cut, even if it breaks a traffic law.

3.     Another strange couple carries their infant (head hanging lose) on a motorbike. Sometimes even with two little kids 

4.     One yet other ridiculous sight was a biker with no helmet, no protective gear, hands off the handle, i-pod plugged to his ears, posing while riding, head thrown back & singing to the music aka Bollywood style -- he could have well been run over by one careless bus driver who would have missed his seriously amusing, yet stupid antics imitating his favourite matinee idol.

5.     a few proudly throw garbage from a moving car straight on to the road.

6.     Not to forget mentioning India's favourite pass-time - spitting on the roads. Especially at a signal, the car door opens & the driver or a passenger lets off a full-bloodied spew (it truly looks as disgusting as it reads)

.....and sadly these are all witnessed traffic truths. 

So what makes us such enterprising individuals? 

I believe it’s what we learn at home. It shapes us into who we become. If, growing up we are taught its okay to drive before the legal age, okay to drive on the wrong side of the road, okay not to wear a helmet while riding, okay to carry infants on motorcycles, okay to roll down the window & mess our country -- then we learn at an early age that, it's okay to do the wrong thing, if convenient & laws are meant to be broken.

And unfortunately, this behaviour does not end at the traffic signals, it transcends into every other little thing we do.

If parents are seen breaking laws, no matter how small the crime, then for the child, it’s okay to break the law as long as one can get away with it. And yes its true, it starts with these little lessons & then escalate into bigger evils.

To see any reform, it’s the parent who will need to change. Teach their kids to take little inconvenient steps & do the right things & that is how we will start building ourselves & our children into evolved, self - regulated & self - disciplined individuals.

Do remember 'charity does really begin at home'. 

On that happy note - I sign off this week's blog & will see you next week. Keep reading & sending me your feedback for "the little things - comes straight from the heart".

Empty Nesters

A good first anything is always a difficult act to follow – consistency is the hardest to maintain and like everything else in our lives that’s true of a writing a blog post too.

Recently, I read an article written by one of my favourite authors (Suketu Mehta) on how the world is divided into two sets of folks - those with kids & those without and it got me thinking about our soon to be empty nest.

It also managed to bring back some lovely memories, those two days' when unplanned miracles blessed our lives and put us in the former category, thus changing our lives forever. 

As young parents, we fumbled clumsily to do the right things and failing quite so often. Luckily, our kids have forgiven us, perhaps due to our constant acceptance of our mistakes and candid confessions of loving them despite our imperfections.

In the early days of parenthood, I guiltily admit to envying every single young person, watching them party evening after evening, while I ran home to be with my babies. I envied every career driven young (gender no bias) who raced ahead of me, I admit to feeling low for being denied promotions and for being considered a wild card who (the mother in me) may quit her job any day. I foolishly remember the immature me, trying to keep up with the singles’ at every step yet not managing to succeed ever so often.

If only, there had been a crystal ball to peer into during those years of growing pains, it would have surely saved me the embarrassment, as I look back.

Now as our young 20 year old moves out to pursue her masters in journalism, and travels to foreign lands to live her dream – I (my partner is more discrete) am at the cross roads of mixed emotions feeling the pangs of change tug at me. And this is just the beginning, our nest will truly be empty in another 3 years.

Life without the messiness of these little pups seems unimaginable. The dinner table conversations about F-1, football, politics, live commentaries about our days’ experiences, the healthy sibling rivalries, the friendly debates, favourite television shows, amusing tales of our two canines, animated discussions of where to holiday next- (Sigh) how our lives were enriched and now this buzzing nest life will be different forever.

All of us will move into the next undiscovered phase of our lives.

As we move to our new experiences, my advise to those yet young parents is;

• hug your kids more often than you already do
• tell them you love them as often as you can
• talk to them about their dreams while they want to share these with you
• learn about their friends while you can
• teach them to be ethical in their jobs, while they are willing to listen
• respectful to those less fortunate than yourselves
• teach them to be gracious in defeat and humble in victory
• teach them to be charitable through example
• tell them its okay to make & accept mistakes as long as you learn wisely from them
• teach them the right values on love and forgiveness and most importantly tell them that relationships are more important than any amount of money you can make
• teach them friendships and family are irreplaceable and to share your good fortune with those you love, after all what’s the point of being successful if you don't share it with your loved ones

I do truly have an amazing partner (the spouse does always know best - they live with each other) and we believe together we have managed to imbibe some of these ideals in our baby birds.

And as  they fly away and leave our nest empty, we hope that despite life’s struggling battles these early values will stay alive with them at all times. We wish these two kittens the very best of success, happiness, peace and good fortune, that we have been blessed with.

Perhaps this is also the right time for my partner and me to be 20 again and re-discover each other - restart where we left off….

Holding that thought - till next week.